thoughts.

Valentines day is approaching. very quickly. and its causing me to reflect on a lot of things. all of my closest friends are in relationships, and seeing them is just hard for me. i am happy for them, i am. but as this whole celebration of love fest is coming near, its an extra loud voice that is shouting in my ear "HEY. YOU'RE ALONE."

someone asked me why i want to be in a relationship so badly. and its made me think, why is that true? at first i was mad that this person would call me out like that, but they had a point. i struggle being alone. for my entire high school/college life, i've always had someone. whether it was just a crush or an actual relationship, i have always had that guy with me. i like guys (isn't that a relief to hear..) they are so chill, no drama. personally i feel like they are more fun to be around than girls. and now i don't have anyone. and to be honest, i feel like i've lost all capability to actually even like someone.

all i've ever wanted since i was a kid was to be a wife and a mother. i'm not exactly sure why, but i just have a huge capacity to love other people. sending those thinking of you notes, getting close to someone, knowing all about them, i just thrive off of it. and the mixture of all of these things makes me want to be with someone.

i live my life in fast forward mode. i'm always in a rush. everything i do is quick. i have a goal, reach it, and on to the next. my life is just fast paced. but there are times when its my down fall. i get impatient and mad when things aren't going as fast as i think they should be. i'm in such a rush to have what i think i want. like, a husband. i know thats where i need to grow and allow God to come in and fill that, but right now it is especially difficult.

the point of all of this...meh, i'm not exactly sure. i'm just in a healing and learning process of how to stand on my own two feet. future husband, wherever you are, know that i am praying for you. and even though it may be hard, i'm holding out for what you are about. waiting for you will be the best decision of my entire life.